The Final Entry

   I started trying to come up with something to write on this blog today, and honestly, I had nothing. I’ve written about books, love, support, and everything going on in my life. In some ways, I’ve been feeling used up when it comes to this blog, but then a thought occurred to me. What would I want to write if this were my final entry? I went through several ideas, but this is what I determined. It would have to be something that came from a real place. As writers, we often try to promote our books or put on a good image when we blog, but this final entry couldn’t be an image to sell a product or myself. It would have to be real, so here goes.

   I often talk about my books and how good things are going. Here’s one simple truth. I’m still not meeting my own expectations. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m failing from time to time. I would like to see better sales, and in truth, I still think I can be better. As a writer, you’re not supposed to talk about how you think you could be better, but that’s the truth. I’m still growing as a writer. I learn a little more every day. There’s a flip side to the doubt and failure, though. I love what I write, and I truly think that all of it is worth doing. As a matter of fact, I know it’s good. I could pay more attention to commas or do some subtle things better, but the actual stories are exactly what I want them to be. I’m proud of them. I would have written these stories even if I had never published them.

   Now, for the personal aspect of my life. I’m discouraged. I spend so much time writing that I don’t have any time to go out like a normal twenty-five year old. I’ve had some bad luck with dating over the last couple of years, too. In some ways, I don’t feel like things are going to be all right. I often incorporate love into my writing for a very specific reason. I feel like I have a lot of it to give but no one to give it to. I don’t know why things aren’t working out for me socially, but they aren’t. I need more than I have, and that’s not me being selfish. It’s not a want. It’s truly a need. At this point in my life, I need to love and be loved. I need to have friends that I can experience the real world with from time to time. It’s strange to me. These types of things seem to come so easy to others. They seem to follow a set pattern. They find success, meet someone, and build a life together. I don’t know why, but nothing has ever been that simple for me. I know what I want, and I know what I’m passionate about, but I still haven’t reached the level of success that’s needed, and most importantly, I haven’t found a place to belong.

   You may ask, why would you write about this as your last blog. Here’s the answer to that. Life is hard. As a matter of fact, sometimes it knocks you down and stomps on you over and over again. Believe me. I’ve been there. Sometimes I feel like I still am there. The best advice I could ever give anyone is the thing I keep telling myself. Just keep moving. Tomorrow could be better than today. I keep working hard toward the things that I need in my life. I keep praying even though the answer to my prayers seems to be no. I refuse to give up on my dreams and my life because the moment I do, I know what’s going to happen. I’ll die. No, not in the traditional way but in a way nonetheless. When I give up on the life I need, I know I’ll lose all passion and hope for the future. When that happens, you’re just running out the clock of life. I refuse to do that.

   I know this blog seems awfully negative, and it’s seems that way because in some ways, it is. You see, this blog is a lot like life. We struggle to reach the place where we want to be, and after we’re worn down we have a choice to make. Are we going to lie down and die, or are we going to fight until we have no more breath? I’m choosing to fight for the things I’m passionate about. I don’t know if I’ll ever find the right people to be around or if my passions will ever receive the recognition that they deserve, but I’m not giving up on them. That’s all I can do. That would be my final message to you if I had to give one. Life isn’t always fun. As a matter of fact, most of it isn’t, but we all know where we deserve to be. Don’t stop fighting to be there, and don’t settle for less than you deserve. You may never find what you’re looking for, but I’ve found that life’s not necessarily about where you end up. It’s about being able to say you did everything you possibly could with the cards that you were given. I know I’m not folding. I can’t say that my hand is full of aces. As a matter of fact, all I have is a pair of twos, but I’m going to continue. Who knows? Maybe someday that persistence will pay off.

   So there you have it. This is the truth about my life. I’m not happy a lot of the time, I feel like I’m failing often, and I need to be at a much better place socially. Those things feel like a lot to overcome. At times, I look at everything at one time and start to feel overwhelmed. I don’t look away, though. Distractions just keep you in the same place. I walk straight toward them in the hopes that I can fix one thing at a time. If you’re like me and you feel like you deserve more than you’re getting, face your problems head on. Maybe tomorrow things will start to break, but either way, when you’re on your deathbed, you won’t ever have to say, I wish I had done that.