I haven’t blogged in a while, and there
was a reason for that. I’ve been so busy with a number of tasks. Some have to
do with writing, while others have to do with people, other work, and even just
entertainment. I’ve found myself with anxiety through all these commitments and
joys. I track my progress meticulously trying hard to get to the end of them. I
worry that I’m not moving fast enough or that others might not be struggling as
much as I do. That’s gone on for the last few months. I had an epiphany
tonight, though, and I want to share it with you.
This really starts with work. I
concentrate so much on getting to the end of the day that I think I don’t soak
in any of what I actually do. Sure, the work doesn’t suffer for it, and honestly,
I think being so focused in on finishing one task often helps me get better at
it, but at the same time, it robs me. It robs me of the joy in my stories, the
pride in what I do, and overall, my life - my time. It goes by in a haze, and
then it’s gone. I know I wrote something, and I know reading it back that I
usually like it, but I can’t remember the emotions I felt while writing the
words. It’s like I went on autopilot.
Next comes the social aspect. When I’m
with people, I’m often worried about not working or completing some other goal
I’ve set for myself. I feel irresponsible for “slacking off.” Now, there are
some people who are more important than work, and I don’t feel that way with
them. A certain kind of anxiety creeps in, though. I wonder if I’m saying the
right things. Is the relationship moving forward? Am I being what they need?
Are they what I want? If not, am I shallow or judgmental? I go through the
motions, and for the most part, I think I do the right things. That isn’t the
point, though. The point is that there’s no joy in it.
Here’s the real lesson I’ve learned about
myself, and I’ll bet a few of my introverted friends and even some extraverts
will realize it if they really think about it. We analyze our goals to death.
We live in fantasy worlds that show us what the world, ourselves, and other
people ought to be. It’s all so idealistic and so easy when it runs through our
minds. Perfection or something close to it is in reach. Maybe we even get close
to achieving it. Maybe we find our best friend, the person we love, and our
dream career. Our focus and attention to detail, along with an unrelenting
standard for better, puts us in a situation to succeed. That’s a great thing,
but there’s a problem with it even in the rare instance that everything works
out. We wake up one day with the job we want and a spouse beside us with a
family that cares about us. We don’t know how we got there, though. We went
through the motions and did what we should, all the while being focused on the
end goal. Now none of it seems like us, though. We don’t remember why we wanted
that person beside us in bed, that high paying job, or that friend. What joy
did they bring us when it was all work? Is this really us or just a reflection
of going through the motions again and again?
You see, I think most of us want to fast
forward to what we consider the good part of life, and we work and fake our way
through to get to it. By the end, though, it’s too late to go back. You don’t
realize that the end wasn’t the fun part. Writing your novel, dating your future
wife, fun nights with a friend you didn’t know much about, and planning your
family were the joyous parts. You didn’t notice it, though. You were worried
about making everything perfect. Congratulations. Everyone is happier around
you because you do and say the right things while always putting in max effort.
Do any of them really know you, though? They know that ultra focused person who
said and did what they had to while grinding
out every day with a smile. The one in your head is the person I’m talking
about. For that matter, do you know that person anymore, or has your life
become a reflection of end results and fake smiles that keep the train moving?
I don’t want any of you to think I’m
saying you shouldn’t have goals or try to be what people need, but I think if
you don’t slow down and take moments to enjoy what you’ve accomplished and the
growing pains and triumphs of our relationships, then you’re watching the last
five minutes of a very curious movie that used to be called your life. Anyway,
it’s just some food for thought that I wanted to share. I hope to be blogging
more in the future as I take more time to enjoy my successes and failures that
will ultimately lead to the endings I used to think I wanted so much. Remember,
in life, it’s all about the journey, so don’t ever wish it all away, or you
might find that all you want is a day to go back to when you were nobody with a
stranger who should have become everything to you.
