I want to tell everyone about an
emotion I’ve been battling lately. Actually, it’s one I’ve been battling my
whole life, and I’m starting to wonder if I should fight it at all. Maybe it’s
just who I am. Let me explain where it all started.
When I was six, my mom and I were
involved in an accident. It left me with my left eye swollen shut, and it did
some significant damage to me outside of that. I had a concussion, and the
results would be me having seizures for some time after that. As my mother panicked,
like anyone would have, I was calm. At six years old, I had absolutely no fear
in me. I even reassured my mom that the situation was going to be fine. After I
started having seizures, I took it all in stride. I can still remember what it
felt like during the first one. I didn’t know what was happening. In all
honesty, I thought I was dying. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t feel
panicked either. I felt nothing. I was just empty. I had always been that way.
I figured if this were it, I would just go to Heaven. In my mind, everything
was still fine. What kind of child doesn’t panic in that situation? That’s the
way I had always been, though.
That pattern of behavior continued.
I’ve been in love with the idea of loving someone many times in my life, but
never have I found myself in the feeling of love that people describe to me.
It’s foreign, and at this point, I don’t even know if something like that could
exist for me. I care about people, and I want them to love me, but those feelings
of closeness that bring people together never happen for me. It’s as if I’m
just an empty vessel who longs for the connection that a real person should feel. That’s how I view myself. Am I like
everyone else? Could I be defective?
The oddness doesn’t stop there,
though. Even when faced with the death of a loved one, I don’t feel. I wish
that they were still with me, and I love them in my own way, but there are no
feelings. I simply look at everyone else and how they deal with tragedy. Some
cry, and others turn to food or even drinks to give them comfort. A few do the
wise thing and find comfort in the people who love them. Some are destructive.
They push everyone away and do something stupid like punch a hole in the wall.
It all seems really strange how we deal with things, no matter what way we
choose to do it. I wish I could be one of those strange people, though. I wish
I could cry or throw my fist through a wall. Instead, I stand there in a state
that people perceive as strong or non-caring. I hug who needs to be hugged and
say what I think people need to hear. Then I go home, and my day continues as
if nothing ever happened. I know I’ve lost someone I can never get back. I
truly realize that a tragedy has occurred, and it will affect my future, but it
doesn’t affect anything on the surface.
I think people like me used to be
called the strong silent types. I’ll be there to defend you if you need it. You
can cry on my shoulder in a time of mourning, and most importantly, I’ll give
you anything you need to feel whole again. I’m that kind of friend, but I would
give anything to be the person on the other side of it all. I would be so happy
to feel something when my lips touched someone else’s or to find that tears
were falling when I had lost someone who meant so much to me. I would even
settle for fear. The other day in the snow and ice, I slid on a bridge, and my
car started going toward the edge. Most people would have panicked and locked
up their brakes. They certainly wouldn’t have been able to slow down and think
about things logically. I never had fear in me, though. I simply realized that
the brakes weren’t my friend on a slick bridge and turned into the slide,
causing my car to completely turn in a circle instead of plowing into the
bridge. It was a good time to not have emotion, but it said a lot about who I
am. I don’t love like most people. I don’t mourn at all, and maybe worst of
all, I don’t fear death or anything. I’m empty, and I don’t understand why.
I know this has probably been
depressing for some, but I needed to talk about all this. It’s not normal, and
I don’t understand it. I’ve always been able to use this as an advantage. I use
logic to solve problems that otherwise would just fall by the wayside. Still, I
would like to feel love or even heartbreak. I would love to screw up a
situation because I allowed myself to make a mistake through being too
emotional. Some might say that I’m just a man. Men don’t show their emotions as
much. That would be uneducated, though. Most men show emotions as much as any
woman. They just don’t show them in the same way.
The final thing I want to say is
this. I want to change. I don’t want my smiles, laughs, or even grief to be
fake anymore. I want it to all be real. I don’t know how to accomplish this yet.
How do you feel what you truly seem to have no capacity to even understand?
Still, this is something I have to do. I can’t keep feeling numb to everything,
can I? It’s funny that some use alcohol or drugs just to try to escape their
emotions. They want to cut it all off for a few hours. I just want to cut it on
once in my life. I want to fall in love, not know what to do with myself during
a tragedy, and make a huge mistake because I fear physical harm. It’s not a big
goal for most, but it’s all I think about lately.
I hope this blog has helped you get
to know me a little more. I usually tell you the good, but to feel I think you
have to open up first. This is me opening up. I’m not perfect. As a matter of
fact, some fundamental part of me is broken. Here’s to piecing it back
together, no matter how long it takes.
