Just A Memory

   A dream. A collection of white and black keys that you could lose yourself in. For hours upon hours, you could just play. The world would fade away to nothingness as you stepped into a different world without stress, hate, or expectations. Music was your escape, and it was all you wanted to do with your life.

   A great love. She was the one who would always be there. You had time, so you waited. You didn’t send that note, and you didn’t ever tell her how electric just a touch from her was. You left it up to fate and enjoyed your life without worry. After all, someday you would be together. It was in the cards. You could always pick back up from where you left off.

   A game that made you feel extraverted. When you were on the field, you weren’t the shy boy who your family and friends perceived you as. You were a leader to those who chose to bleed with you and someone to be feared from any opponent. You could have been happy doing nothing but playing a game for the rest of your life.

   A friend. No, a best friend. Someone you could tell anything to without the worry of being judged. You would always be best friends. No one could change that - not time, not circumstance, not philosophy, and certainly not any person. After all, you were so close that your personalities had almost melded into one. You finished each other’s sentences. What could possibly break a bond like that?

   Reality. You stopped playing the piano because you got too busy to take time out of your day to free yourself from the stress that consumed you. You don’t even remember how to play now. You lost it. Maybe you could get it back, but it seems like that boy who could step into a totally different world and leave all worry behind for a few keys is long gone. That great love you had. She’s with someone else now. You never sent the letter, and you never told her something that could have changed both of your lives. You just waited for the right time or circumstances until your time was up. She wasn’t waiting any longer, and you felt like whoever both of you used to be was a world away. The game that made you so confident, it’s something you watch on Sundays. You still love it, but it’s not something you’re really a part of. That confidence you had - that free feeling that came from being the person you are on the inside on a stage for people to see doesn’t exist anymore. You gave it up. You didn’t work to make a possible future where you enjoyed that stage for longer. That best friend, he’s long gone. Petty disagreements, girls, and he said she said drama slowly but surely drove a wedge between you. You have no idea who the person who once knew everything about you is. If you saw him on the street, you might not even recognize him. It’s all gone.

   You might ask what the point of all this is. It’s little pieces of me, or at least what used to be me. I gave up the piano and the idea of being a musician one day because I felt overwhelmed by a schedule that got me nowhere but stressed out. I didn’t seize the day with a girl who might have changed my life because it could wait. I had all the time in the world. I gave up a sport that made me free because the odds were stacked against me ever being able to go somewhere with it. Still, some of the teammates I was better than in football got full scholarships to four year schools. Confidence was all that truly stood in the way of hanging on to that stage for a little longer. Finally, pride, arrogance, and being too quick to think that I could replace a friend with anyone else caused a friendship to be nothing more than a distant memory that seems more like a made up story than what was reality. That’s the point in all this. We all let go of things in our lives. We say goodbye to people, talents, love, and even deep held beliefs. We justify it by thinking that if we change our minds, we can always go back. Life doesn’t work that way, though. When you allow them to, situations change, and you might not have a way back to the person you used to be or the people you loved. Here’s what I’ve learned about myself and about life. You should never leave anything or anyone behind who you aren’t positive you won’t miss. It’s better to pursue a passion and fail. You won’t have to wonder about it for the rest of your life. It’s also better to swallow your pride and realize that sometimes you can’t do better than the friends in your life. Despite your petty disagreements, you’re right where you belong. You just have to embrace it. Finally, and most importantly, if you love someone, never let them go until you have exhausted all options. Let there be no regrets or feelings left unshared. You would rather feel the heartbreak of rejection or the sting of finding out that things couldn’t work out in the long run, despite your best efforts, than to always look at what you wrote for someone special and wonder why you didn’t share the perfect words. It’s those types of regrets that keep me up at night. It’s also those regrets that drive me to be bold - to share even the most personal feelings. It’s why I’m quick to forgive and even quicker to admit when I’m lucky to have someone in my life. It’s why I refuse to let go of the things that take me to a different world where I can be the confident person I see as me and not what others see. It’s the driving force behind my writing, my relationships, and my need to lay all my cards on the table when I feel strongly about something. I have this theory now. I don’t believe in wondering. I think you should metaphorically light the greatest things in your life on fire and see how brightly they can burn before they burn out. Writing is a good example. I’m going to do this until I have nothing left in me because I don’t want to look back and say you gave up the one thing that made you free. I also don’t want to say that I let more great people walk out of my life because my pride meant more to me than my well being. Most importantly in all of this, I never want to say that I didn’t see every romantic relationship I have burn brightly in one way or another. Whether it goes up in flames terribly or it becomes a steady flame that serves as a light in both of our lives, I want to know that I didn’t fold with a full house. That’s the point in all of this. Be honest with yourself, be bold, be passionate until you have no more passion left in you, and communicate your true feelings without a second thought that something could ever go wrong. I’ve learned that if you do, life can be painful at times, but it’s also so much better. Sometimes you have to feel a little pain to know that you’re alive, and you’re almost always going to feel pain, rejection, and failure before you reach a place of true happiness. Take risks because there’s no such thing as a reward worth having that doesn’t involve a risk, a passion that goes beyond the norm, and the ability to swallow your pride when things aren’t as they should be.

   Thanks for listening. Sometimes I feel like this blog has become a personal diary for me where I just say what’s on my mind. I don’t know who all reads it, but thank you. Over the last year and a half, I’ve grown so much as a person. I used to be shy, I would let go of things too quickly, and I didn’t have the courage to face my shortcomings. I’m not that person today, though, and it has a lot to do with being able to share my beliefs and thoughts with all of you. My entries aren’t always happy ones, but they always serve as a way for me to release something that otherwise would sit dormant inside myself. That’s a truly great feeling. If I could leave you with one thought, it would be this. Don’t let the best things and people in your life be just a memory. Put the work in to assure that they’ll always be a part of your current reality. If you don’t, you might find that all you have is a memory of what could have been and who you once were.

Back To Being Me

   I’ve just gotten back from a very relaxing get away, and a lot of things became clear to me while I was resting. The most apparent thing was that what I’m doing in my professional and personal life isn’t working for me. I love writing, and I am exactly who I want to be, but I need to find ways to do things in different ways and find more people to share common bonds with in my personal life. I think this is going to lead to a much more relaxed Mitch. I’m going back to what got me to where I am today. I used to write for one reason - because I loved it. Then at some point it became about money and expectations, or at least part of it did. I don’t want my purpose to become a job, so I’m going back to writing as much as I can in a day because when I’m hitting these keys, I’m free. When I’m done writing, and I can no longer think for another second, I’m going to spend time with the people I love and pursue others who will appreciate me for exactly who I am. That sounds simple, but we’re always looking for better people and better purposes in our lives. When we constantly try to get to the next step in life, we can often overlook how great the current one is, though. Here are the facts. I do what I love, I have a beautiful new home in a great neighborhood, and I have some great people in my life who appreciate me for exactly who I am with my flaws and all. That’s what I’m going to focus on more moving forward.

   Now, for the second thing I realized. I can’t keep concerning myself with how I should write based on what others want or how other authors do things. I’m going to write about what I’m passionate about and release books as fast or slowly as I desire to. At the end of the day, writing is a lot like showing the world your soul. All you can do is explain what’s there. Anything else will come off as phony. Sometimes it takes two weeks to find the perfect words that make up a book, and sometimes it takes years. I’m going back to being the confident me who wouldn’t have cared about what anyone but myself thought about books that are as much a part of me as a physical body part. From the personal side of things, this applies, too. I worry too much about being liked, and I can be too nice. I’ve always believed that you should give people respect and treat them with kindness whenever possible, but I think I’ve taken that too far. I’ve allowed people to disrespect me all in the hopes of being the person I’m supposed to be. It’s hard to take the high road, and I think sometimes I’m going to skip on it in the future. The future Mitch will give people understanding and respect, but if he doesn’t get it back in return, he’s going to cut that person out of his life. I’m searching for good people who can appreciate the best and worst of me. I’ve always felt like I’m the type of person who can accept even the largest of flaws in others, but many have expected me to be perfect in spite of me having no such expectations for them. That’s over now. I’m flawed, I’m not always going to be nice, and I’m only going to surround myself with people who can see the best in me while accepting the worst.

   Maybe this blog won’t make a lot of sense to most people reading it, but this is what you should know. I found clarity on my vacation, and it came in the form of realizing that the majority of the stress in my life comes from others’ opinions and expectations. That ends now. This is me saying that I no longer care. The old me didn’t have a care in the world when it came to others’ beliefs or expectations when it related to my journey. Here’s to me taking my journey back and finding my happiness. My writing will change, and there will be no more Mr. Nice Guy all the time, but it’s going to be truly amazing to go back to what got me here. I’m confident, talented, and I have far more than I need. It’s time that I started acting like it again. This is me saying goodbye to depression and hello to a familiar feeling of confidence. I need that, and in my heart, I know my own value. I’m just glad that the last few days have shown me exactly who I am. For a few months there, I think I forgot who I was, what I had to offer, and what I’ve already accomplished. That’s not going to happen again, though. I’m not going to get back to work on books because it was never work. I’m getting back to what I love, and more importantly, I’m getting back to being me. A frown will be replaced with a smile that for the first time in a while, I feel like I truly deserve. I can’t wait to show everyone what I’ve got in store for the future.

Scars and Letting Go

   This entry is going to seem a little different because it’s just about something that’s been rolling around in my head for a while. It might not have anything to do with books or the normal things I write about, but it’s something I find to be true, so here I go.

   People always say to let the past go. “Just take a breath, and let it go,” I’ve been told. I don’t know how people really do that, though. I’m not saying you should hold onto the past forever, but I find that I have to hold onto it for a while in order to actually let it go. I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about. I always tell people that I’ve never been in love, but that’s not actually true. I once loved someone, and when it went wrong, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her for over two years. Many people thought that was immature or that I needed to just let it go. For me, it’s not that simple, though. I could have smiled and talked to her like I was doing great and even pretended we were still friends, but how would that have made the hurt and anger dissipate from within? I think it would have only made it worse to pretend that I wasn’t a little angry and hurt. I think that most of the time when we “let things go,” it’s only an image while we’re secretly torn up on the inside. There are other examples that I have that don’t have anything to do with love, but my point is that sometimes I think it’s good to be angry for a while.

   Let me explain why. Today, I have no enemies, or at least I hold no grudges against anyone. I’ve been angry in the past, and I’ve been hurt, but through letting myself feel natural and sometimes deserved anger, I’ve found a way to let go of everything that would have stayed beneath the surface for a lifetime. Oftentimes, I think people let things go, but a scar remains on them in the form of a constant scowl that no one else understands. I say pick at that scar and even obsess a little over it until you or no one else can even see it anymore. That’s just my two cents, though. I think we live in a society that encourages us to bury our feelings in alcohol, medicine, and sometimes the pit of our stomach, and none of it solves a thing. Let your feelings out in a controlled way. Be angry, sad, and hurt, and when everything has finally flowed out of you, forgive. It’s almost impossible to forgive when the wrong committed is never acknowledged by anyone including yourself. I agree with people that you need to “get over it,” but get over it in your time, and make sure that when you let it go, it’s truly gone. That’s one thing I’m proud of today. I have a million reasons to hate certain people, and in the past, I have hated people, but today I’m fine with everyone. There are no scars on or under the surface. All there is for me is an open future that will be joyful, painful, loving, and heartbreaking all at the same time. Here’s to actually feeling all of those things and living without having to bury anything in the back of your mind. Here’s to a life where we find our own way through feeling, reason, and faith instead of through pills, alcohol, and denying our innermost thoughts.

Work, Letting Go, and Change

   All right, I have a lot to talk about today. I feel like the majority of my blogs lately have been positive, but this one is going to be more reflective than anything. I wouldn’t say that it’ll be negative, but it’s definitely going to be self-critical. I think we all need to be a little critical of ourselves at times, so here goes.

   I’ve been procrastinating about doing work lately. That’s strange for the guy who used to work 12 hours a day every day of the week, but I think I experienced some burn out. Over the last few days, I had even been considering stepping away from writing for a while and doing something else. I’m coming around, though. I love my job, and I think I’ve let moving and a lot of the recent changes in my life get in the way of doing it. When I finally do force myself to sit down and write, it’s like I’m at peace. I can’t give that up right now. I think that I’m going to start setting hours where all I do is write. I’ve never been the type of person to set hours because I hate feeling like I have to do something, but I think it’s going to be good for me. By doing this, I’ve already written something new that’s very different. I’m excited about it, too. I think a new direction in my books is on the horizon next year, and I only know one thing for sure. It’s going to be interesting.

   The second thing I want to talk about is simple. I need to learn to let go. I can recall a time when I let everything roll off. I was relaxed all the time, but I never really cared about anything or anyone. I don’t think that was necessarily a good thing. I look at myself now, though, and sometimes I’m envious of that guy. He never had to worry about money, what someone thought of him, or if he was doing the “right thing.” Still, I can see that he was missing something. I look at the person I am today, and I think I’m applying myself, but it might be in the wrong ways. I care, but I think it’s time to take some of who I used to be, and merge it with who I am now. I’m the type of person now who debates everything in his head before he makes a move. Honestly, it gets pretty loud in there, and sometimes I just want to write, live, and even have a simple conversation without overthinking it. I don’t know if this makes sense, but I think that’s the point. I have no idea if you’ve ever been to a place where you started caring too much about what people thought about you and the life you were living, but I’m explaining where I’m at blindly. I’m assuming that saying this will somehow let someone out there know who I am deep down, what I go through, and maybe even help them draw some type of inspiration through the fact that they might not be the only person who struggles with the line between not caring at all and completely living for others. From this day forward, I’m going to do everything I can to live exactly how I feel I should. I’m going to write my story and edit it the best I can while trying to make it enjoyable to the reader, but not cheapening it by making it anything less than is me. I’m going to have conversations where I shut off that part of my mind that’s self-conscious, and maybe most importantly, I’m going to find a way to get back to just being me. I’m a very spiritual person, but some people might not know that because I don’t show it enough. I’m also a very nice guy, but I can be pushed too far. I want balance in my life, and for the first time, I want to be able to say I care more than I ever have, but that I won’t sell myself short because of someone else’s beliefs, expectations, or opinions.

Thoughts On Labor Day

   Happy Labor Day to everyone! On this day, most people have a cookout or spend time with family. Here’s the thing, though. My mom had to work today, and my dad had to leave early to go to work also. It looked like it was going to be a really boring day, so I broke the number one rule about this holiday. You’re not supposed to work, but I decided to do just that. At first, I felt a little bad about myself. Shouldn’t I be doing anything other than work on a day like this one? Surely I could find a friend to hang out with. As I worked on my new book, something happened, though. Suddenly, what I thought of as work was the furthest thing from that. It was an obsession. I couldn’t pull myself out of the story that was actively playing out in my mind. Then the day was pretty much over. I had done nothing physically today, but I had experienced everything. There’s something amazing about really being in a zone when you’re writing. It takes you to different places. I would imagine writing serves as an addiction in the same way as drugs do for a drug addict. If I don’t do a little writing every day, I don’t feel complete. It’s like something’s missing, and my insides literally feel uneasy. You see, that supposed work was exactly what I wanted to do today. It wasn’t work at all. It was what I needed for my day to be complete. That’s the amazing thing about my life. I get to do something for a living that I would do no matter what. It’s truly my passion, and I can’t say that I’ve ever worked a day in my life.

   This extends to other areas of my life, too. I used to be concerned about being around enough people and doing the right thing for everyone. I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m not the most social person in the world, but the people I choose to be around are truly my biggest joy. They give me reasons to live. I never feel like it’s work to be around them or like I could do better. My job, my relationships, and even my spiritual relationship are filled with something that goes far beyond work. It’s a joyful purpose that I couldn’t live without. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make as human beings is trying to figure out what job is the right one or which friends are best for us. You don’t have to think very long to figure those things out. What do you love? That’s the thing you need to pursue. Who would move mountains for you if they could? Those are the friends you should cherish for a lifetime. Finally, what do you believe in? No preacher, rule, or book can tell you that. A philosophy goes far beyond rules or limitations. It’s something you know is right because you can feel it in every fiber of your being. It’s not rules. It’s pure joy. Find your joy today. I know I have in work, play, and spirituality. I never thought I would be at this place, but for the first time, I’m truly at peace with who I’m becoming and all of the people around me.