Just A Memory

   A dream. A collection of white and black keys that you could lose yourself in. For hours upon hours, you could just play. The world would fade away to nothingness as you stepped into a different world without stress, hate, or expectations. Music was your escape, and it was all you wanted to do with your life.

   A great love. She was the one who would always be there. You had time, so you waited. You didn’t send that note, and you didn’t ever tell her how electric just a touch from her was. You left it up to fate and enjoyed your life without worry. After all, someday you would be together. It was in the cards. You could always pick back up from where you left off.

   A game that made you feel extraverted. When you were on the field, you weren’t the shy boy who your family and friends perceived you as. You were a leader to those who chose to bleed with you and someone to be feared from any opponent. You could have been happy doing nothing but playing a game for the rest of your life.

   A friend. No, a best friend. Someone you could tell anything to without the worry of being judged. You would always be best friends. No one could change that - not time, not circumstance, not philosophy, and certainly not any person. After all, you were so close that your personalities had almost melded into one. You finished each other’s sentences. What could possibly break a bond like that?

   Reality. You stopped playing the piano because you got too busy to take time out of your day to free yourself from the stress that consumed you. You don’t even remember how to play now. You lost it. Maybe you could get it back, but it seems like that boy who could step into a totally different world and leave all worry behind for a few keys is long gone. That great love you had. She’s with someone else now. You never sent the letter, and you never told her something that could have changed both of your lives. You just waited for the right time or circumstances until your time was up. She wasn’t waiting any longer, and you felt like whoever both of you used to be was a world away. The game that made you so confident, it’s something you watch on Sundays. You still love it, but it’s not something you’re really a part of. That confidence you had - that free feeling that came from being the person you are on the inside on a stage for people to see doesn’t exist anymore. You gave it up. You didn’t work to make a possible future where you enjoyed that stage for longer. That best friend, he’s long gone. Petty disagreements, girls, and he said she said drama slowly but surely drove a wedge between you. You have no idea who the person who once knew everything about you is. If you saw him on the street, you might not even recognize him. It’s all gone.

   You might ask what the point of all this is. It’s little pieces of me, or at least what used to be me. I gave up the piano and the idea of being a musician one day because I felt overwhelmed by a schedule that got me nowhere but stressed out. I didn’t seize the day with a girl who might have changed my life because it could wait. I had all the time in the world. I gave up a sport that made me free because the odds were stacked against me ever being able to go somewhere with it. Still, some of the teammates I was better than in football got full scholarships to four year schools. Confidence was all that truly stood in the way of hanging on to that stage for a little longer. Finally, pride, arrogance, and being too quick to think that I could replace a friend with anyone else caused a friendship to be nothing more than a distant memory that seems more like a made up story than what was reality. That’s the point in all this. We all let go of things in our lives. We say goodbye to people, talents, love, and even deep held beliefs. We justify it by thinking that if we change our minds, we can always go back. Life doesn’t work that way, though. When you allow them to, situations change, and you might not have a way back to the person you used to be or the people you loved. Here’s what I’ve learned about myself and about life. You should never leave anything or anyone behind who you aren’t positive you won’t miss. It’s better to pursue a passion and fail. You won’t have to wonder about it for the rest of your life. It’s also better to swallow your pride and realize that sometimes you can’t do better than the friends in your life. Despite your petty disagreements, you’re right where you belong. You just have to embrace it. Finally, and most importantly, if you love someone, never let them go until you have exhausted all options. Let there be no regrets or feelings left unshared. You would rather feel the heartbreak of rejection or the sting of finding out that things couldn’t work out in the long run, despite your best efforts, than to always look at what you wrote for someone special and wonder why you didn’t share the perfect words. It’s those types of regrets that keep me up at night. It’s also those regrets that drive me to be bold - to share even the most personal feelings. It’s why I’m quick to forgive and even quicker to admit when I’m lucky to have someone in my life. It’s why I refuse to let go of the things that take me to a different world where I can be the confident person I see as me and not what others see. It’s the driving force behind my writing, my relationships, and my need to lay all my cards on the table when I feel strongly about something. I have this theory now. I don’t believe in wondering. I think you should metaphorically light the greatest things in your life on fire and see how brightly they can burn before they burn out. Writing is a good example. I’m going to do this until I have nothing left in me because I don’t want to look back and say you gave up the one thing that made you free. I also don’t want to say that I let more great people walk out of my life because my pride meant more to me than my well being. Most importantly in all of this, I never want to say that I didn’t see every romantic relationship I have burn brightly in one way or another. Whether it goes up in flames terribly or it becomes a steady flame that serves as a light in both of our lives, I want to know that I didn’t fold with a full house. That’s the point in all of this. Be honest with yourself, be bold, be passionate until you have no more passion left in you, and communicate your true feelings without a second thought that something could ever go wrong. I’ve learned that if you do, life can be painful at times, but it’s also so much better. Sometimes you have to feel a little pain to know that you’re alive, and you’re almost always going to feel pain, rejection, and failure before you reach a place of true happiness. Take risks because there’s no such thing as a reward worth having that doesn’t involve a risk, a passion that goes beyond the norm, and the ability to swallow your pride when things aren’t as they should be.

   Thanks for listening. Sometimes I feel like this blog has become a personal diary for me where I just say what’s on my mind. I don’t know who all reads it, but thank you. Over the last year and a half, I’ve grown so much as a person. I used to be shy, I would let go of things too quickly, and I didn’t have the courage to face my shortcomings. I’m not that person today, though, and it has a lot to do with being able to share my beliefs and thoughts with all of you. My entries aren’t always happy ones, but they always serve as a way for me to release something that otherwise would sit dormant inside myself. That’s a truly great feeling. If I could leave you with one thought, it would be this. Don’t let the best things and people in your life be just a memory. Put the work in to assure that they’ll always be a part of your current reality. If you don’t, you might find that all you have is a memory of what could have been and who you once were.