Who I Really Am

   I thought I would tell you guys something really basic today. I want to tell you who I am. You may say something like, “I already know you. I’ve been following your blog for a while now, and all you ever do is talk about yourself.” I would deserve that one. I do talk about myself a little too much, but today I want to give you guys a better description of who I am. You already know that I write books, but I want to tell you who I am as a person and what I believe will define me in the long run.

   If I’m going to start telling you who I am, then I have to start here. I have faith in God. It isn’t always as strong as I would like it to be, and I fail at being the person I feel like I should be for Him more than I succeed, but faith is a huge part of my life. Now, before you all run out of here because you think that this is going to turn into a Sunday morning sermon, don’t. I’m not about to tell you what you should believe. I just think that if you want to know me, you have to know what comes first in my life, or at least what I’m trying to make first in my life. My faith in God affects every decision I make. I’ve formed relationships and broken them off based on my faith, and I’ve even written books based on them. No, I don’t write Christian books, and some of my novels have minor curse words and implied sex in them, but there are certain things in literature that have been growing more popular like erotic books and the overuse of certain words. I try to steer clear of things of that nature as much as possible. Sure, I don’t want my characters to be sexless robots or for them to say something strange like ‘cheese and crackers’ when a normal person would curse, but I want people to be able to read my books from all walks of life. If you’re thirteen and you want to read something, I want you to be able to, and if you’re seventy and you want to read a good book, I want you to be able to enjoy my books, too. Maybe most importantly, in everything I do, including writing, I want love to show through in it, and probably not the kind of love that most people are used to seeing or reading about. I believe in deep love because that’s what my faith has always led me to. I believe in the type of love that comes with connections that last a lifetime. That’s the type of love that God has given to me, and it’s the type of love I seek out from family, friends, and women. If people can see that unconditional love in me or how my characters act, I feel like I’ve succeeded. I think that’s where people get messed up when they think about faith. They think about an offering plate or the church lady who gossips about what everyone does wrong. That isn’t what having faith in God is all about. Love shines through in that relationship more than anything else, and once you know His love, you can show it to the people around you.

   Now, I want to tell you about some lighter hearted things. I’m very emotional for a man. No, I don’t break down and cry often. As a matter of fact, I don’t actually think that I’ve shed a tear this year, but that’s not the type of emotion I’m talking about. I’m very passionate about the things I do and the people in my life. If I care enough to do something or be friends with somebody, I’m going to defend and pursue those things with everything I have. I’m also going to hurt with the people in my life. Their joy becomes mine, and their pain becomes mine, too. As for the things I choose to do, they become more than an object to me. Something as simple as a book becomes part of my psyche. Most people say that isn’t healthy, but it’s who I am. When something comes from me, its success becomes mine, and its value becomes directly linked to mine, or at least that’s how I perceive it. I guess that may be strange, but I never plan for anything less than extremely successful. As a side effect, I fail more than I succeed, but it’s really something when I do meet my expectations or the people in my life meet theirs. I think that I’m often sadder than most people are, but in times of success or love, I think that I’m able to soak the moment in much more than most people. I don’t cry or hit things. That’s normally what most people associate with being emotional. Instead, I simply feel a moment.

   Third, I absolutely love creating anything. That isn’t just limited to books either. I love music on a level that I can’t even describe. I like making it and listening to it. Art is amazing to me. I can’t ever say that I’ve been a great artist, so I’m really more of a spectator in this department, but something has always amazed me about how people go through a creative process and make something so amazing on a canvas. I also love strange things like school projects. I know that might sound odd, and I’m not in school anymore, but I can still remember getting papers and projects in college. I never made it a goal to follow the instructions completely. Instead, I always wanted to find unique ways to do things that were better. I think I used to think that different meant better. Sometimes it did, and sometimes it didn’t, but I never copied someone else’s style or project. In a weird way, I kind of think that’s where people’s value lies. What do you have to contribute to the world that is completely original? What can you create that no one else can? That’s what I’ve always challenged myself to do, and it’s what I love.

   I love to learn. By definition, I’m probably a little bit of a nerd. If I could spend an entire day watching the science channel, I would be in heaven. I don’t know why, but I’ve always been pretty good at retaining knowledge after I learn it, and I absolutely love piling my brain full of new things, especially theoretical things about our universe. I think I love things that are theoretical because you can come to your own conclusion. I love learning something and then being able to form an original theory on it, or after trying to disprove what I’ve heard finding that it really is the only rational explanation. That’s probably why I love science. It’s constantly changing. Ever day, new theories are formed, and old ones are disregarded. There’s something about our ever-changing understanding of our universe that seems interesting to me.

   Something else you probably don’t know about me is the fact that I don’t like to be in the spotlight. As a matter of fact, you probably think that’s odd. Why would I write books and actually use my real name and photos if I didn’t want to be seen or recognized? Well, that question is extremely complicated. I’ve noticed that I can be a bit of a recluse, and when I decided to write books, I started making a conscious effort to fix that. I thought a good step would be in writing this blog and being open with everyone about myself and my work. I still find myself struggling in large crowds, but things are getting better. I don’t ever think I’ll be what people call extraverted, but I’m finding my voice. I’m quiet, but I can talk through writing better than anything else. Let’s just hope that I never start talking as much as I write, or it’s seriously going to get irritating to people. I don’t think anyone would want to hear someone talk that much. J

   Family is the next thing I want to talk about. I have a very supportive family that loves me more than I probably deserve. My family isn’t perfect by any means. We fight, and in general, we do all of the unexplainably strange things that any other family does, but we’re together, and that’s all that matters. When it comes down to it, I know that my family will love and support me no matter what happens. I saw a quote somewhere one time. I don’t remember where, or the exact words that it used, but it reminded me of my family. “Being welcomed with open arms no matter how much time has passed or what has change . . . that’s what having a family is all about.” I have that, and that might be the best thing in my life. Someday, I’m going to have that with another family that my wife and I are at the forefront of.

   Finally, something simple. I love sports or anything competitive. It could be football, basketball, video games, or whatever. I just love to compete. I don’t really value winning or losing like most people. What I’ve always cared about when it comes to competition is effort and passion. I can still remember playing football. There were times when we won that I felt like we failed and times when we lost that I felt good about what we had done. I love being able to be surrounded by people who put their everything into a competitive event and who approach whatever it is with every ounce of passion in them. That’s how I approach things like that, and strangely enough, it’s what I expect out of the people around me. That’s led to some less than good situations for me, but I think it’s just a product of what I’ve been taught and the people I used to look up to as a child. I looked up to athletes who were not only great but who demanded that the people around them strive to be great, too. I loved musician’s who played for the love of it and to be the absolute best they could and not for money. I’m very competitive, and I expect a lot out of myself. Sometimes that rubs people the wrong way, but it really shouldn’t. I can respect anyone in competition who gives everything they have no matter what the result is. As a matter of fact, I still think back to some moments in my life when I could have given a little more to a team or an individual goal in my life and regret that. Not all of those moments were failures, but every failure that I gave everything I had to is marked down as a success in my mind. If there’s one thing I would want you to know about me besides the fact that I’m a Christian, it’s this. I approach life with passion and drive. I’m not always successful and due to the high standards that I have, I actually fail a lot more than I succeed, but I find that life is a lot better when you truly care about everything you do to such a level that you pour yourself into it. Be great, and expect only greatness around you. Your expectations probably won’t be met, but I guarantee you that you’ll find yourself with better people in your life, and just as importantly, with a better you when it’s all said and done.