Jumbled Thoughts

I haven’t posted a blog in a while, and there’s a reason for that. Most people run out of ideas or things to say. I’ve been having the opposite problem. My head feels very crowded. In fact, sometimes it feels like I have hundreds of thoughts going on at one time, so here’s what I’m going to do. I’m about to let you in on everything that’s running through my head. I hope you won’t think I’m a crazy person by the end of it, but here goes. Keep in mind that what you read may feel a bit jumbled . . .  then again, that’s kind of the point. My mind feels that way.

How soon can I realistically pay my house off? What’s wrong with my pool? Do I need to change the sand? I don’t feel like changing the sand. I think eight years would be doable for the house . . . maybe. How are people going to react to The Divide: Origins? It’s certainly not as happy as some of my other books. How can I get more people to read Destiny? Am I in okay shape? I don’t feel like I am. Oh, well. All I really want right now is a hamburger. Am I spending too much time playing Metal Gear Solid? Who am I kidding? That isn’t possible. What should my next show be on Netflix? After finishing Walking Dead and Burn Notice, I think most shows are going to fall a little short for me now. Why do my books get such polarizing responses with people? I either hear I love it or hate it. Just once I want someone to go meh, it was okay. Although, if someone said meh to my face about something I worked on for several months, I might smack them. I need to buy groceries, but clothes feel so wrong today! I’m getting older. Have I accomplished everything I wanted to by now? I’ve never been to Japan, England, or Ireland. I’ve never been in love, had a passionate kiss in the rain, or done anything in music. I still want to make a phone app, too. What about a serious relationship or marriage . . . maybe even kids. It feels like there’s so much I’m not doing. Am I missing out? Then again, I’m constantly working . . . well, except for a couple of hours when I’m playing Metal Gear Solid. Yes, I’m a little obsessed right now, but it’ll pass. What am I going to write next? Should it be a love story or action? Maybe it’ll be a mystery. I just don’t know yet. What am I thinking? I’ve written four books that have never been released. Why am I not editing? Wait a minute. It’s because I’m so busy with redoing all of my old stories. I wonder how long that’s going to take. SO TIRED OF EDITING! Am I a good person? My faith is still important to me, but I don’t really go to church anymore. Do you really have to go to church to be right with God? I don’t think so, but I’m definitely slipping. Speaking of Sundays, Packers/Seattle this Sunday should be interesting. If I get to truly turn my mind off at all next week, it’ll be then. Am I still going to be writing in five years? It’s certainly fun, but it takes up a lot of time. Is that who I am - a writer? I think so, but it all feels surreal, like I don’t belong. I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately. It’s like every room is another example of where I don’t belong. People aren’t so different. I feel the same way around most of them. Am I overthinking it? Should I be confident and act like I don’t feel out of place? I mean, I do act that way already, and I think the face I put on masks my insecurities and differences really well, but the foundation of the character I’ve created that everyone sees as me is starting to crack. I’m imperfect, insecure, overwhelmed, confused, and without much of a plan for anything. Where does that leave me? Am I just overthinking all of this? What is wrong with me?

Now, if you’re still with me, imagine you’re inside a head where all those thoughts are coming at you at one time, and you’re just left with one question. What is wrong with me? I’m doing what I love, but I’m overthinking it to the point that it’s no longer fun. I’m alone, which is partially my fault . . . okay, all my fault. I’m this really private guy who doesn’t show his true self to anyone in real life, but yet says he craves intimacy. That’s the thing, though. I really do crave it. I don’t know what’s holding me back, though. It’s like I’m stuck in this place where I’m constantly making up stories, listening to others’ stories, and planning a life that only involves me when all I want is to live the most unpredictable story in real life with someone with all the complications it might come with. My life is simple now. I’m in a bubble. I shut myself away in this house that I’m so concerned with paying off, and I occupy my mind with fantasy when all I really want is reality. I don’t know why either, and all the thoughts swirling around in my mind have made a home in there. They’re starting to drive me crazy. I don’t know what to do about it, or maybe I do, but I’m somehow frozen. Have any of you ever reached a point in your life where you were just frozen in place? To most people it looks like I’m moving forward with my life. I bought a house, I’m paying bills, and I’m planning for the future. What they don’t know is that my plans were always so much bigger than a responsible and boring life. I wanted to travel the world and meet people from all over. Eventually, I wanted to meet someone very special along the way and make a home where I felt at peace. Maybe none of this makes sense, or maybe I’m just having some type of life crisis, but I’ll leave you with this. I want to live life, and I mean really live it. A song comes to mind by The Struts called Could Have Been Me. Here are some lyrics from it.

I wanna taste love and pain

Wanna feel pride and shame

I don't wanna take my time

Don't wanna waste one line

I wanna live better days

Never look back and say

Could have been me

It could have been me

I’m tired of sitting here with a million thoughts running through my mind. I’m tired of thinking of what could have been. Most of all, I’m tired of being practical. I don’t know why I’m telling you this. It’s not like you can tell me what I need to do, but sometimes you just have to let things out. Sometimes you have to let people know who you really are. Here’s the truth. I’m a writer who loves what he does and is a little too obsessed with video games and Netflix. For a while, that was enough. I need more now, though. I need love, pain, pride, and even shame just like that song says. I need to live a little instead of just dreaming my life away or burying myself in thoughts that are slowly eating away at me. If I don’t, I don’t think I’ll ever truly be happy, no matter what I’m doing.