Scars and Letting Go

   This entry is going to seem a little different because it’s just about something that’s been rolling around in my head for a while. It might not have anything to do with books or the normal things I write about, but it’s something I find to be true, so here I go.

   People always say to let the past go. “Just take a breath, and let it go,” I’ve been told. I don’t know how people really do that, though. I’m not saying you should hold onto the past forever, but I find that I have to hold onto it for a while in order to actually let it go. I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about. I always tell people that I’ve never been in love, but that’s not actually true. I once loved someone, and when it went wrong, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her for over two years. Many people thought that was immature or that I needed to just let it go. For me, it’s not that simple, though. I could have smiled and talked to her like I was doing great and even pretended we were still friends, but how would that have made the hurt and anger dissipate from within? I think it would have only made it worse to pretend that I wasn’t a little angry and hurt. I think that most of the time when we “let things go,” it’s only an image while we’re secretly torn up on the inside. There are other examples that I have that don’t have anything to do with love, but my point is that sometimes I think it’s good to be angry for a while.

   Let me explain why. Today, I have no enemies, or at least I hold no grudges against anyone. I’ve been angry in the past, and I’ve been hurt, but through letting myself feel natural and sometimes deserved anger, I’ve found a way to let go of everything that would have stayed beneath the surface for a lifetime. Oftentimes, I think people let things go, but a scar remains on them in the form of a constant scowl that no one else understands. I say pick at that scar and even obsess a little over it until you or no one else can even see it anymore. That’s just my two cents, though. I think we live in a society that encourages us to bury our feelings in alcohol, medicine, and sometimes the pit of our stomach, and none of it solves a thing. Let your feelings out in a controlled way. Be angry, sad, and hurt, and when everything has finally flowed out of you, forgive. It’s almost impossible to forgive when the wrong committed is never acknowledged by anyone including yourself. I agree with people that you need to “get over it,” but get over it in your time, and make sure that when you let it go, it’s truly gone. That’s one thing I’m proud of today. I have a million reasons to hate certain people, and in the past, I have hated people, but today I’m fine with everyone. There are no scars on or under the surface. All there is for me is an open future that will be joyful, painful, loving, and heartbreaking all at the same time. Here’s to actually feeling all of those things and living without having to bury anything in the back of your mind. Here’s to a life where we find our own way through feeling, reason, and faith instead of through pills, alcohol, and denying our innermost thoughts.