I
want to let everyone in on a part of my past that I don’t talk about often. I
haven’t always been the person I am today, and it’s been a long road to
becoming someone I can be proud to be. So let’s start.
When I was eighteen, I had no
direction. I was easy going, but I think it was only because I had a quick
drink or a bite of food that wasn’t so good for me every time life threw a
curve ball at me. When I was 21, I wanted to leave that part of my life behind
me, though. I wanted to meet life head-on and never use something as a crutch
again. I left any type of addiction or crutch behind, and as a result, I had to
part with some friends who didn’t understand the new me. My faith in God became
stronger daily. I had always believed in God, but I had never started living
for Him until this point.
Throughout the first three and a
half years of living my new life, I focused on being better as a person. I
still didn’t have much direction, and I honestly didn’t know what I was going
to do with my life, but I wasn’t worried. I learned to let the little things
roll off and put the big things out of my mind until I had a way to fix them.
It worked great for a long time, and I was happy. Something has changed lately,
however. I’m not returning to a lifestyle where I use food or drinks as a way
to cope. Instead, I’m having a “hard time coping” period. It’s gotten harder to
not care about the bad things and people in my life. For example, the closing
date for my home has been moved back, thanks to some technical issues. I’ve had
to delay furniture from being delivered, as well as put my whole life on hold
for another week and a half, and honestly, it’s all very senseless. To say the
least, I’ve been aggravated. Then there have been many other things that have
gone on this week that are private, but I can tell you now . . . they’re not
good. Most people would say that I need some relief in the form of a meal, a
pill, or a drink. I want to return to how I was just one year ago, though.
There was a time when a week and a half wouldn’t have been a big deal, and I
could have simply severed ties with the less than good people in my life
without thinking twice. I want that again. I’m better now. I’m not perfect, but
I generally stand for what’s right and try to live the way I should. That
doesn’t mean I have to care about things that are beyond my control or care
about people who are a lost cause, though. I can’t control people, sales, or
world events. No matter how much I think my house should already be mine, or
wish that I could sell a million books, or maybe even just wish that people
were a little better, I can’t control that. All I can control is me, so that’s all I’m going to
concentrate on for a while. I guess I figure that I might need to close my eyes
to the bad for a while and learn not to care anymore because what else can I
do?
That’s the main thing I wanted to
let everyone know. I come from a place of weakness, as most of us do, but I’ve
become better. As a matter of fact, I’m getting better every day. That’s what
I’m going to choose to focus on moving forward. That way, every disappointment
or person who doesn’t fit in my life will be nothing more than a passing shadow
to me. I trust that the good people and things will find me along the way, but
if they don’t, I think it’s okay to find peace with simply doing you for a while. That’s what I’m telling
you guys. I’m going to do me for a
while, and I think I’m going to be better as a result. Maybe if we all
concentrated on being better ourselves and shutting out anyone or anything that
was less than what we needed, the world would be a lot better place. It would force
us to be better, and when we finally choose to raise our heads, we might just see
a group of individuals who are focused, happy, and generally good.
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