Online Dating In 2015

   These are my personal accounts of online dating and why I might be giving up on it forever. If you find yourself in this blog, it’s not purely coincidental. It’s because you scare me, and you’re one of the reasons I’m not sure if dating is even worth it anymore.

   I created a few profiles on some dating sites a while back, and I’ve been seeing what’s out there - big mistake! The first encounter I had with a crazy woman online was in the form of what people are calling cougars now. She was older than my mom, and she messaged me about a casual encounter. I didn’t respond. That didn’t stop her from sending a follow up message, though. Honestly, where do these women come from? Why don’t you date someone your own age? Now I have this jaded view of old people. Every time I go to Wal-Mart, I have to wonder if the greeter is checking me out. It’s crazy.

   The second came in the form of an actual date. I met this single girl who seemed to want all the same things as me. On paper, we were perfect for each other. Then we actually met. She was gorgeous. In fact, she was the prettiest girl I’ve ever been on a date with. I learned on that date that looks aren’t everything. This woman literally didn’t put together one sentence throughout the date. It was the most awkward experience of my life. Now, I’m not saying it was my best night either, but come on! I, at least, spoke.

   The third experience was truly strange. I read this girl’s profile, and she seemed absolutely perfect. I don’t want to say too much about her, but let’s just leave it at this. She seemed like the sweetest human being on earth, but I learned that she had some weird fetishes . . . like wanting to cut people . . . I was scared away, and I seriously had to start questioning how I keep finding these people.

   The fourth experience came with a girl who told me that she wanted a relationship but that she was asexual. I’m familiar with the term, but if you’re not attracted to men or women, that might just be a problem for me. I mean, a woman with no interest in anything physical would be weird for me if things ever got serious. I feel for her, but once again, how do I keep finding these people?

   Here’s the last one, and it takes the cake. I got a message from what appeared to be a normal looking woman who’s profile implied that she was very sweet. Upon further investigation, I found that she was really a he . . . or used to be . . . I’m not quite sure which it was because I never did understand all the details, but once again, I was scared away.

   Here’s the point of all this. I created some profiles to do an experiment, and what I found was absolutely terrifying. Girls, please tell me you’re not all pedophiles, mute, former men, and ready to cut me as soon as we enter the bedroom. I mean, come on! If that’s all that’s out there, then I’m staying safely indoors at all times. I think I might be done with online dating. If anyone knows a nice girl who wants a real relationship, then let me know. I only have a few requests. She must be able to speak, be attracted to men, not be old enough to be my mother, refrain from cutting me, as hard as it might be, and most importantly, have been a woman for her entire life. I can’t stress that last one enough. Well, the knife thing, too. I definitely don’t want someone cutting me.

   So there you have it. It’s safe to say that my online dating days are over. Here’s to meeting the opposite sex in the real world in a very public location so they can’t cut you and only after you have done a thorough background check to make sure they were never a man.